My Wife Loves It When I Open a Cookbook

I’m a terrible cook.  I used to scramble eggs, that was about it.  So it took me 26 years to figure out that every time I opened a cookbook my wife curled up next to me within a few minutes.  It also took decades to learn that things just go a lot better around the house if I vacuum, learn the names of her current students, or listen to her accounts of  last night’s episode of The Amazing Race (which I can’t watch because it makes me too anxious).

To build resilient connections, spend a little time each day on this: ask not what your relationships can do for you, but what you can you do for your relationships. We were raised by Madison Avenue and Hollywood to expect a happy relationship to fall in our laps – hey, it seemed to work for every man who drove a Mustang.  So many of us, when we aren’t getting the love we want, sit pining, yearning, grieving that no one has come along to pick us up and hold us.  But adult “love” is an action verb.  I actually did fall in love with my wife the moment I met her, but we managed to have many pretty unhappy years until we learned the craft of making each other happy.

Building this habit is a key component of successful couples therapy, but it’s not limited to couples, it applies to bosses, kids and the guy who rings up our purchases.

Give us some anecdotes!  What little things do you do to make the people around you happy?

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Fighting for The Relationship

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from http://www.bridgecentertherapy.com/couples-videos/fighting-for-the-relationship/

Crazy Busy? Did You Know That We Offer Skype Appointments?

A lot of our clients are, how to put it, pressed for time. They often use terms like, “Hectic,” “Stressed,” and, “Crazy busy.” If Crazy Busy was a real diagnosis, we could say there’s an epidemic, especially in the Bay Area. So we conduct our sessions, fairly frequently, via videoconference. We’ve had sessions with people who were in their offices at work, at home in their living rooms or kitchens, and, occasionally, on a park bench or in a parking lot. All that’s required at your end is a quiet, private place where you won’t be interrupted, and a reasonably strong network signal. Bridge clients who try it almost always feel it’s a good alternative to in-person office visits.

We want to help you feel better and get your life on track, as effectively, and efficiently, as we can. Telepsychology, as it’s called, is showing results comparable to therapy in the office,¹ and for people who can’t take the time to travel back and forth to our offices, it’s proved in our experience to be highly effective. For more information, just ask your Bridge therapist or coach, or call our Client Services Coordinator at (510) 497-4174.

1 Hancock, S. L., Stark, K., Kreiner, D., Walker, T., & Cordiero, A. (2016, Aug.). Website adherence to APA guidelines for the practice of telepsychology. Poster presented at the Annual Convention of the American Psychological Association, Denver, CO.

See also: https://div46amplifier.com/2016/12/14/a-brief-look-at-telepsychology-in-the-age-of-the-internet/

 

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Expect a Lot From Therapy

Research shows that, of all the things that predict a successful therapy (like a therapist who “gets” what you’re saying, or talking about the thing you think is the most important thing), there is only one feeling. It’s not anxiety, or sadness, or anger – as far as we know, for example, a sad person is no more or less likely to benefit from therapy as an angry one. But there is one feeling that, when it’s present, is strongly correlated with a successful therapy.

It’s hope.

If you think that therapy is likely to help you, it’s more likely to help you.

Research has found a number of tools that help. For example…

1. Visualize what you want. Imagining something seems to affect much of the brain—and body– the same way it would if it were actually happening. ¹ If you’re coming into therapy because you are anxious at work, imagine what you would have done differently in that awkward moment with the boss. If you fight with your partner, imagine waking up on Saturday morning knowing you’re going to have a great day together.
2. Tell your therapist. Too often, therapy can be so focused on eliminating suffering that we forget to keep our eyes on the prize – happiness, and meaning. Besides, we’re simply more likely to make the changes we want if we share our hopes with others. ²
3. Aim high. Ask your therapist for help getting to a “Hell, yeah!” goal. That’s also correlated with success. ³
4. Past hope. What’s an example of something you’ve hoped for, and then gotten? If you take a few moments, and remember that gratefully (well, I did get that job I wanted, and I do find it more interesting), even savor the ways that hoped-for outcome affected you and your life, it will likely build up the habit of thinking hopefully about the future. ⁴

 

1. Ranganathan VK, Siemionow V, Liu JZ, Sahgal V, Yue GH. From mental power to muscle power—gaining strength by using the mind. Neuropsychologia. 2004;42(7):944-56.

2, 3. Norcross, J. C., Loberg, K., & Norcross, J. (2012). Changeology: 5 steps to realizing your goals and resolutions. New York, N.Y.: Simon & Schuster.

4. This common-sense notion is supported by multiple studies of the remarkable power of gratitude, but there’s particular support for the concept of applying gratitude to a past success in an unpublished study by students Fallon Richie and Nicholas Pikaart (“Cultivating Hope and Happiness through Grateful Remembering: A Two-Study Assessment of Trait and State Gratitude”) at the 2016 15^th Annual Celebration of Undergraduate Research and Creative Performance.

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The Coach From Down Under

Tim Edwards, MBBS

When Tim Edwards grew up in Australia, he heard an often-told joke: you could tell the difference between a computer and an Aussie because, “You only have to punch information into a computer once.” If somebody said you were sensitive, he was challenging you to a fight. Tim was sensitive. He had to learn how to manage some very tough situations, without using his fists.

When we formed The Bridge Center, we wanted to make a home for distinctively impactful therapists and coaches—in a word: change-makers. We also knew we wanted to combine depth, and clinical and academic rigor, with practicality. Tim managed a drug treatment program that Dan. We knew that he had been globetrotting for over two decades, training in every coaching and therapeutic intervention he could find. The timing was right–he was about to marry his beautiful French girlfriend, Dona, and they were choosing a place to settle–and he got my vision of what we could build here.  Tim moved permanently to the U.S., got his citizenship, and became a cornerstone of The Bridge Center.

For over 20 years, Tim has coached people on ways to draw upon their strengths, intuition, and common sense to overcome anxiety, depression, trauma and other psychological difficulties. He draws from the techniques of cognitive-behavioral, emotion-focused, humanistic, and depth therapies, as well as relational psychoanalysis. Trained in psychiatry at the University of Western Australia Medical School, Tim graduated with a Medical Degree (MBBS). Fascinated by the psychological impact of medical training, he co-founded the school’s mentoring program and curriculum stream on personal and professional development, which they use to this day. But Tim was increasingly inspired by Australia’s emerging shift to Personal Coaching over traditional psychiatric approaches, and he chose to forgo residency and medical licensure and devoted his life to the burgeoning Australian coaching movement. He has a specialty in coaching physicians and other medical professionals, who, as he learned in medical school, face unique challenges.

 

We were quick to learn in our case conferences that our Director of Coaching’s one-two combination of profound insight and cut-to-the-chase practicality packs quite a wallop… the sensitive kind.

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Doing Couples Therapy Like Sully Sullenberger

Sully Sullenberger was piloting an Airbus A320 with about 150 people sitting behind him when birds flew into both his engines, and suddenly they were dropping through the air in a silent airplane. What was his first act as Captain? He turned to his First Officer and said, “Open the manual.” They were falling through space, everybody was screaming, and he wants to look in the manual?

Our brains are designed to get simple in an emergency. The DNA that survived belonged to the early humans who could act without thinking when a carnivorous kangaroo or bear-sized hyena was after them (yes, that actually happened), or when the only food they’d seen in a week was about to run away.

The problem is, when our life partner who looked so beautiful when we met them starts to snarl at us, our instincts kick in and we do stupid things that seem like our only choice at the moment. We act without thinking.

The airline industry figured this out a long time ago: in an emergency, it is hard to think, so we need to make simple checklists of things to do that will save our asses. When your partner criticizes you, turns you down, or rolls their eyes, you probably want to fight back or walk out, and your gut thinks it’s an emergency. And those are usually the perfect things to do — if you want to make your marriage worse. What would have happened if Sully had shouted, “Oh no you don’t!” and jumped out the window or slugged his copilot?

One of the key things we want to help you learn from couples therapy is this safety checklist:

The next time you want to do the thing you do that makes it all worse…

Sully? He made aeronautics history by landing his massive, inert hunk of metal on the Hudson River. Because procedures like these work, you’ll find that they start to become habits that replace your old reflexes. Instead of shouting, you will learn to cool off and speak reasonably. Instead of withdrawing, you’ll start to say, “What do you mean?” With every safe landing your relationship will improve. You may be astonished by how much your partner starts to resemble that beautiful person you met for the first time.

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The NY Times Loves Oakland

For their latest rave about our highly unique community, see here:

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Reading the Truth in a Person’s Face

You may have heard about the pioneering research of Dr. Paul Ekman, who has catalogued the facial expressions (all the way down to every one of 43 facial muscles) for each of the core emotions, which he’s identified as sad, happy, fear, anger, contempt, disgust and surprise. His work, popularized by the tv program, “Lie to Me,” and the great animated feature, “Inside Out,” deals with the decoding  of “microexpressions,” expressions that flash across a person’s face so quickly that we often don’t see them, especially if the person doesn’t want us to know what they are actually feeling. With practice, these expressions can be recognized, and he’s just released a new version of his online training program. More about it here: https://www.paulekman.com/micro-expression-training/

 

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Talking to Your Older Self

We spend a lot of time in therapy talking to our younger selves. (“The past is never dead. It’s not even past.” Faulkner) But this is a hilarious and oddly thought-provoking experiment Stoney Emshwiller ran 38 years ago – he recorded a bunch of questions for his older self, and now he’s recording the answers. http://boingboing.net/2015/11/06/man-interviews-himself-38-year.html

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Want to Build a Habit? Focus on Feeling Good.

The NY Times ran an article today (http://nyti.ms/1fXyhww) summarizing data on what keeps people exercising that might surprise you. ”

“People whose goals are weight loss and better health tend to spend the least amount of time exercising… Rather, immediate rewards that enhance daily life — more energy, a better mood, less stress and more opportunity to connect with friends and family — offer far more motivation.” Researcher Michelle Segar recommends counting everything you do to move around – climb the stairs, walk to the store, count it all.

It applies to any habit change: measure what you want to watch grow – smoking cessation, increased extraversion, whatever – and remind yourself, often, with as much variety and engagement as you can, how the change benefits the way you feel.

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“Inside Out” Will Bring Out Your Insides, or Why Sad Can Be Just What You Need

It’s time to stop pinning my love of sappy movies on, “My daughter dragged me…” She was gratified when I cried at “What a Girl Wants,” and happy to sit on the stairs of a sold-out theater (we snuck in) to see “Skyfall.” We’re both still recovering from the moment when (Spoiler Alert) Bambi’s mother is gunned down. I was the one who suggested, “Inside Out,” and I’m not afraid to tell the world. Two of the scientists whose work I most admire have my back on this one:

http://nyti.ms/1RWEiFl

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Great Guide to Talking to Your Partner

Dr. John Gottman had the idea to study how happy and unhappy couples talk to each other, and compare. About 40 years later, we know a LOT. Here’s a DVD I highly recommend to all the couples we work with.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000GOQRPM/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_til?tag=therap00-20&camp=14573&creative=327641&linkCode=as1&creativeASIN=B000GOQRPM&adid=04HRGS9BAP2ZWG89TNM4&

 

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Exercise: What’s the Attitude That Makes It Part of Your Life?

Great article in Buzzfeed today about, “17 Fitness Tips That Will Actually Make You Psyched To Work Out.” Like so many things, success rests on how we think about it. Here’s the link:

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Is It Good To Be Manly? Not Always!

Manliness should come with a warning label! See Dr. Jim O’Neil’s cogent description of ways that being masculine could be bad for you. From the APA Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity website: http://division51.net/homepage-slider/mens-mental-health-and-gender-role-conflict-a-call-to-action/

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Give Headspace some of your head space

If mindfulness meditation were a drug, it would be selling at record levels. Study after study keeps rolling in about its effectiveness in treating anxiety, depression, PTSD… But we’ve never seen a truly approachable, online tool for people who are ready to try it. That changed with Headspace.com, created by the entirely charming Andy Puddicome, a bald British ordained Buddhist monk and circus performer. Starting with brief, 10-minute videos and audio guides, he’s made meditating both inviting and readily understandable. 5 stars to this excellent program – thousands of people are already being helped.

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